I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
