Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
