I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
