new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
