Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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