Little spoons don't ask big questions
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
