he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
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