Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
