I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
