He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
