I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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