I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
