its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
