"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize