I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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