Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
