Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
