So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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