did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
