We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
