I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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