During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
