Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
