what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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