Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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