quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
