So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
