the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
sarcasm needs its own font
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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