God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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