i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Randomize
