Who wears a wallet chain?!
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
