I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
