I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
