It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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