Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
