he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Randomize
