I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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