he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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