So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
