Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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