Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize