we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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