That's when you crack a 10am beer
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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