Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
