Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
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