there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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