Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
