Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
