when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
