I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
