Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Randomize
