Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
