He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
